
Do you put your dirty feet up on the seats? A.S.S.
Today I’d like to talk about an important issue that affects us all. A growing epidemic that causes the needless suffering of millions of Americans every year. It’s called Acute Selfishness Syndrome.
Acute Selfishness Syndrome, or A.S.S., is a condition marked by low self-awareness, in which otherwise normal people temporarily seem to lose track of reality, and enter an alternate consciousness in which they believe they are the only people in the world. While in this state they are likely to exhibit any number of public nuisance behaviors that a person of normal sanity and awareness would consider inappropriate or obnoxious.
Acute Selfishness Syndrome Effects Sufferers (A.S.S.E.S.) come in all forms. Perhaps the most common way that people show their A.S.S. is talking loudly on cellphones in confined public spaces. In these instances, the A.S.S. individual appears to believe he or she is in a vast, windswept meadow, with no one around for as far as the eyes can see or the ears can hear. That’s why when they’re asked to lower their voice, or take their conversation elsewhere, they will often look confused; “where did YOU come from…seconds ago it was just me here.” In this state of disorientation, these individuals can become highly agitated and lash out. They may mistakenly believe they don’t have a problem. Like with someone sleepwalking, it’s best to use discretion when trying to put a stop to A.S.S.-like behaviors in others.
If you fear that you may be afflicted by A.S.S., just remember this: You are not alone. A.S.S. can strike at any time and affects as many as 1 out of 5 people in any given social situation. Scientists now believe that no one is innately immune to this condition. We are all capable of becoming A.S.S.E.S. That’s why this critical point bears repeating…YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Literally. There are 6 billion people on this planet, and you are but one. Always keep that in mind, and you are already well on your way to recovery.
Because of its very nature, A.S.S. can be exceedingly difficult to recognize in one’s self. But the following quiz can aid in diagnosis:
- Do you leave your shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot, rather than find one of the corrals to put it back? A.S.S.
- Do you listen to your headphones so loud that everyone within 20 feet can clearly make out the songs? A.S.S.
- Do you pee on the seat? A.S.S.
- Do you cruise in the left lane while traffic backs up for miles behind you because eventually you might actually pass someone? A.S.S.
- Do you slouch down low in your seat on the train or plane or movie theatre, and then jam your knees into the seat in front of you? A.S.S.
- Do you leave your car parked at the pump after you’re done fueling, and then run inside to shop for a few minutes while others wait for gas? A.S.S.
- Do you leave your trash and tray on the table at self-service restaurants for someone else to clean up because ‘isn’t that their job’? A.S.S.
- Do you wait until it’s time for you to pay in the checkout line to announce that you forgot the green beans, and will “just take a sec” to go grab them? A.S.S.
- Do you refuse to check baggage, even when it’s the size of a dishwasher? A.S.S.
- Do you text or make any noises whatsoever in the theatre once the movie has started? A.S.S.
- Do you sit and read the entire paper at the crowded brunch place while others wait up to an hour for their seats? A.S.S.
- Do you talk in the quiet car on the train? A.S.S.
- Do you tailgate other drivers? And then flash your high beams if they’re not moving out of your way fast enough? A.S.S.
- Do you come to dead stops in the middle of busy city sidewalks and then spin in place as you try to get your bearings? A.S.S.
- Do you leave your weights wherever you used them, rather than return them to the rack? A.S.S.
- Do you believe that every single phone call that you make or take is of critical importance, no matter where you happen to be at the moment? A.S.S.
- Do you litter? A.S.S.
- Double dip? A.S.S.
- Do you spit your gum on the sidewalk? A.S.S.
- Do you sometimes ‘forget’ to curb your pet? A.S.S.
- Do you exhibit any of those bad parent behaviors that we’ve all heard about at your kids’ games? That’s A.S.S. Big time!
If you said no to all of them, congratulations. That’s the goal! You’re not showing your A.S.S. in public. If you said yes to one or more, your A.S.S. may need some work. Taking the quiz was an important first step. If you said yes to 10 or more, you may have the much more severe Chronic Selfishness Syndrome (CSS). You may not be fit for life among others. Disappear. Go somewhere isolated and don’t come back. The world will be fine without you.
Remember, though, this list is just a sampling of all the ways that we can do crappy things when we forget that there are other people besides us in the world. Managing A.S.S. is simple. It doesn’t require going out and actively trying to make the world better (though, of course, that would be nice). In fact, it requires no action on your part at all. It’s just a request that you not go out into the world and make it worse for everyone else. Raise your self awareness, think about people around you who also had a rough day, or also are trying to get somewhere, or who also have rights and feelings, or who also think their job (or their family) is important but recognize it’s not important to the other 100 people around them.
Together, we can put an end to people treating each other like A.S.S.
If you know of anyone who exhibits A.S.S.-like symptoms, but aren’t sure how to talk to him about it, feel free to forward this on. One thing to remember is that A.S.S. is more than just dumb or irritating behavior. According to one civic-minded blogger, “It ‘s willful ignorance in the commission of public actions that negatively affect others and are entirely unnecessary. A.S.S. is insidious.”
I feel you. There’s plenty around.
Well said!
This is great!
Nice!!
Good call. You know the old saying, you have to call a spade a spade.
I would only add the cure is simple: Follow the teachings of Christ, because as He said, My yoke is easy and my burden light. When we live to help our fellow humans, we find exciting and fulfilling; all thought of self melts away.
That is what I’ve been thinking lately as I just blogged about tryi ng to be more grateful, If I could just realize how much in need most of the people in the world are, I would stop whining about my own life.
Reblogged this on nomers99.
Lovely…you said it all
I think the entire population of my country suffer from this. LOL.
Do you live in France too?
Hahaha – Trinidad and Tobago. You’d never think that the whole world can suffer from the same problem.
Hilarious and so true.
oh my god. I love this. I was in airports quite a bit last week and saw LOTS of examples of this!!
Proud to say I do none of those things. Except double dip when I am home alone with my own bag of tortillas and bowl of nacho cheese because damnit, i like cheese!
No one could fault you for double dipping in your own home, with your own nacho cheese. Like you said, it’s NACHO CHEESE! It kind of begs for it.
[…] read this post titled You Are Not Alone over here and it’s hilarious and asks the following […]
I only tailgate the slow drivers in the passing lane. Does that count? 😉
Great writing that made my day! I had 1…double dipper here but I break the chip so it’s fresh, I never eat off it and dip. LOL
Breaking the chip is like creating a whole new chip! That’s totally acceptable. Haha.
Reblogged this on hadalzonecafe and commented:
Worth a reblog…such a great article!
Reblogged this on 21st Century Life and commented:
There’s a reason for EVERYTHING. This one’s great reading while you’re in “disposed”. Well written and philosophical too!
Bravo! Very well said,
I thought I was the only one who saw all these ASSES running around the place! I was about to hop on that rocket ship to Mars before reading this! :p I am not alone! 😀
Well written, it made me laugh and think (also read the list twice to make I wasn’t afflicted).
You took the words right out of my mouth only much more cleaverly. Sad to say the A.S.S. folks probably are too self absorbed to read this.
Fantastic!
A.S.S. The letters are very appropriate. 🙂
Priceless collection and too true
Great list. Some people think to much of themselves.
Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed.
I can’t stop laughing. I work in the restaurant industry. People, please read this article, because more and more people are showing the A.S.S on a daily basis, especially in the biz I’m in. You touched on so many things that drive me bananas.
This was an awesome piece, I can’t wait for more.
We could probably fill a whole post on the restaurant industry alone. Especially around last call!
Hallelujah!! I was hoping that I wasn’t the only one noticing this epidemic. And may I add one to your list: when someone opens the door for themselves to walk through, you walk through it as if that person were an usher. Please, hold your own door!
Good one. Related to that (on the opposite side of the door) are the people that just let the door go once they’re through, and never look over the shoulder to see if there’s anyone behind them. Maybe it’s me, but that drives me crazy.
I hate that! People with manners tend to think about others as well as themselves; people without manners don’t.
A bunch of asses, Lol
Reblogged this on relationspdbeverly.
Reblogged this on Figments Of Reality and A Little Crazy Stuff and commented:
Amazing read! You Are Not Alone 🙂
I agree 100% I hate ASSES
Fantastic post! Very well said.
Creatively written. I am still smiling. Refreshing to know that the non-A.S.S.E.S. are also not alone. At least I hope I am an Non A.S.S.
I think we’re all born with bad cases of A.S.S – the trick is to cure it before you run out of cuteness (usually around 7 years old or so)!!
Very entertaining post! Thank you for the laugh.
I love your writing style on this piece. Everyone can suffer from occasional A.S.S. it’s the chronic A.S.S. that is the true problem. Thank you for bringing awareness… now, when is the 5K fun run/walk to fight A.S.S.ishness? I want to clear my calendar for it.
I’m becoming more and more grumpy about the rude and selfish behaviour of the majority. I’d like to go and live in the Outer Hebrides.
Reblogged this on Apps Lotus's Blog.
Thanks for the laugh! People can be so unaware sometimes; I’m sure I’ve had my own moments, though.
Haha. I suppose we all have our moments. My wife would certainly say that I have mine. I just try to have less of them.
Totally hear you! The shopping carts thing is one of my biggest pet peeves. I usually grab one from the lot and take it in to shop with.
Reblogged this on unabletoblog and commented:
I can feel some of them turning their heads there like they don’t care. A.S.S
Loved this article! You’re a great writer. BTW, congrats on being freshly pressed. 😉
Thanks!
Reblogged this on adonixifez's Blog and commented:
The earlier we understand that this world is not about me but us, the better we will all be/live in peace and harmony. Else, danger at every point in time.
Reblogged this on adonixifez's Blog and commented:
The earlier we understand that this world is not about me but us, the better we will all be/live in peace and harmony. Else, danger at every point in time.
Reblogged this on dipapot.
Brilliant!
Reblogged this on The J and J Adventure and commented:
Well said! I encounter individuals with this disease almost daily. Awareness of this epidemic is the first step in fighting it.
Thank you for calling these people out! I have a (mildly) funny anecdote about self-service restaurants: Whenever I went to a McDonalds in Beijing, I noticed that the employees would frown at me whenever I put my tray away. It turned out that I WAS NOT supposed to put away my own tray – the employees were supposed to do it and I was just getting in the way of their job. Ironically, I was being an A.S.S. in this situation. Also, maybe we can give some of the ones in ‘Murica the benefit of the doubt and assume they are immigrants?
Haha. Great point. The key I suppose is never becoming so immersed in our own world that we lose sight of the bigger world around us. And, of course, everyone deserves a free pass from time to time. Especially people in a new environment. I remember walking in the middle of the bike path in Munich. I thought it was just the sidewalk. Someone pointed it out to me, and I stopped doing it. It was embarrassing for a minute, but I realized I was in the wrong. It’s the individuals who believe that the world should bend to their preferences or needs or limited viewpoints that maybe need to be called out from time to time.
This was AMAZING! I loved it. Your sense of humor totally cracked me up and I am completely aware of the A.S.S. epidemic because it’s spreading all over California and will soon start hitting the beaches this summer. It even effects members of my family. But I always prepare for this wave of contagion with a glass of wine and chocolate because there is no cure. HA! Super awesome and congrats on being Freshly Pressed. Well deserved!
Thanks! And I agree with the idea of wine as palliative therapy for this ailment. Lots of it.
Reblogged this on mkmtheory.
OMG you’ve nailed it! Please add “parking in 2 spaces at once” to the e list of A.S.S. behavior. It truly needs mentioning!
This blog has certainly made my day. Thank you. Also, people who lean up against vehicles that don’t belong to them. A.S.S
Reblogged this on Simply Beautiful and commented:
#LOVEFORSELF
Reblogged this on starfireone.
OMG You nailed it! I’m from London and whenever I’m on a tube the only person who I can’t get rid of is my lovely Dad and he is also the only person whoever calls me whenI have signal, I will forward him your article with a footnote that says. “Dad, one of us is being an ASS!”
One of the best I’ve read in ages.
One of the most recognizable and relatable.
Re-blogging on http://www.nocturnaladmissions.net where I write about other types of Mental illness
Reblogged this on Nocturnal Admissions and commented:
Unless this guy lives in my town, we’re all in deep shit.
Nicely written and oh so true. One correction though, world population is now over 7 billion!
I hope that this post becomes viral and even if only a few get the message. Thanks for sharing this.
Reblogged this on ink2it and commented:
ASS 🙂
This. This is funny. I like this,
I’m no doctor but I don’t think there is a cure for this, hopefully there may be some who have read this that can identify with the symptoms/ behaviour that you gave and seek help.
Reblogged this on scribbles and all and commented:
SPLENDID
Reblogged this on gofiafi and commented:
Total ASS
I don’t know if this is a serious illness but I certainly recognize it by the symptoms listed. Wow..
[…] 9) You Are Not Alone […]
Immaculate, accurate and absolutely fantastic characterization of A.S.S.!! You easily hit at least 10 of my major pet peeves in the quiz!! The carts thing kills me every damn time. And the gum? Come on folks! You chose to put it in your mouth! If you don’t want it anymore, just swallow the damn gum and move on with your life! (Yes, I see the innuendo there. No, you don’t need to point it out.)
Reblogged this on liberachi mind.
Pretty much all of those behaviors are so present here in Paris. It still boggles my mind littering and peeing in public are so commonplace here!
Do you have 47 items in the “12 Items or Less” Lane?
Do you walk especially slow in a pack along the sidewalk so no one can pass you?
Do you save space in line for your five friends who arrived late?
…now I’m all mad.
Oh yeah, those all definitely belong on the list.
On the flip side I once had an impatient woman ask if I would mind if she cut in front of me in the Express Line because she only had 2 items. I had 3.
A.S.S.
Great! I loved it:)
Reblogged this on Jeff Jones, A Business Problem Solver and commented:
Something funny for today
[…] madsiers a repository for the random and ridiculous « ‘You are not alone’ […]
Reblogged this on Ann'sRazzJazz.
Reblogged this on Amarillo Alternative News and commented:
And now, a public service announcement regarding a growing epidemic in our society. If you’ve been a victim of it , know that you are not alone.
Ammmmmmeeeennnnn!!!!!! Fantastic post!
It’s a shame there there is so much A.S.S. in the world, but it sure makes one hell of a post. Keep em coming 🙂
http://www.lisalisted.com
hilarious. and true. i tweeted a song request to my bus company “you are not alone, I am here with you” because off the A.S.S.-iness of my transit mates!
Like
http://geulisan.wordpress.com/
Got a few people I should send that quiz to. Love it!
Yup, it’s a pandemic.
SO….. it’s true what they say… if you ASSume you have ASS, you do…
🙂
Reblogged this on motherfudgelover and commented:
Oh, my gosh! This is the funniest (yet, so freaking true) thing I’ve read in a long, LONG time!
Reblogged this on Insanely Spellbound and commented:
How could I not share this!!! Indian traffic signals are enough to spot at least 10 people affected by A.S.S at any given time…
Well said. Or when people throw their litter out of their car windows. Typical example of A.S.S. Consideration is such an important human value/quality. If only everyone would embrace it. It is as Machiavelli said “of mankind we can say they are fickle, hypocritical and greedy of gain”.
Reblogged this on classydriver415 and commented:
Way to many of these ASSES
wow. but as socrates says “The unexamined life is not worth living.”
Hil-larious!
[…] No, you’re not. And neither am I. And we would all drive each other less crazy if we remembered it occasionally. Madsiers: You are not alone: https://madsiers.com/2014/06/11/you-are-not-alone/ […]
Well this is indeed thought provoking. You put it brilliantly.
[…] value of creative pursuits outside of work, too, so I am writing more and more these days for fun (like this). I even have a few hundred followers because of it. That feels pretty […]
Reblogged this on Blogging in Chaos and commented:
Hysterical, but unfortunatley, oh so true!
Reblogged this on A late Blooming Artist's Blog and commented:
well said!
Reblogged this on Cordelia's Mom, Still and commented:
I’m often around people who suffer from this affliction. Thank heavens, I’m not one of them!
Reblogged this on Big Red Carpet Nursing and commented:
I wonder if we’ll ever find a cure!
I wonder if some people are so overwhelmed by life that they walk around in a fog that keeps them from seeing what is going on in front of them. I am surprised more people are not hit by cars and other moving objects.
This is Absolutely Brilliant!
[…] planes has me revisiting a topic I first wrote about a couple months back: the growing epidemic of Acute Selfishness Syndrome (A.S.S.). As a reminder, that’s the disorder that allows an otherwise likeable person to temporarily […]
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